Our Complicated Truth by Nick - Poem, rough draft

[fivestarloony]

This is still in very rough stages, an any advice/response that can be given would be useful. ^_^;;
Warnings: Uh... angsty-ness, implied death? Also, its in a vaguely irish accent in my head, make of that what you will.

Our Complicated Truth

I can't follow, where you've gone
to western lands and eastern suns
I've searched the hills with all I've got
and there's nothing to be found
the earth it sings it's mourning song
in trilling tones and cawing awe
but I am lost in whispered hymns
and my voice has lost its strong
your footsteps leave a whisper
in the misted dunes
I'm breathing in the vapours
but they're not like the air
I'm drowning in the memory
of your sea scented hair
and warm rice paper hands that
touched my face and brushed
my own wiry strands
I know I'm moving on
steps against the gulls harsh cries
like a ship being pulled to sea
that dim land is far away
sequestered in the fading mist
I'm drowning in this,
our complicated truth,
because when I taste the air
I know
That land's not for me to know as me
(We’ve traveled many places, but this is your’s to see)
You're gone and I can't follow yet
but I will follow, yet.

[jaguar]

this is exceptionally strong. what would it look like (sound like, rather) with regulated lines?

[fivestarloony]

Thank you! Uh, I'm not entirely certain what you mean by regulated lined? Do yo mean if it were in meter or if it were more freestyle? I don't think it would work properly with a specific meter, although I think more attention to breaking it up to freestyle would probably make it smoother. Currently I have end-rhymes in it that look awkward; the "air" ending especially needs work, because it doesn't flow well into the poem except when the "hair" ending is brought in, and it's too much of a jarring disjunction.

Is that what you meant?